S2E13: Let's Get Invisible!

In this episode of Goosebumps, we will see bad acting, bad graphics, and enough bowl cuts to go 'round. Actually, I remember really liking this book.

It opens with two kids, Max and Erin, sorting through some stuff in Max's attic. They converse about Max's mom being a packrat and Erin gives THAT eyeroll. You know THAT eyeroll that is seen dozens of times every week on different TV shows? It's the exaggerated eye roll with a little chuckle attached and cocking of the head.

Anyway, something is moving in the wardrobe. But relax, kids, because in Goosebumps land there is always a little sibling to explain the "scary" goings ons in the first two minutes of the show. In this case, it is Noah, Max's little brother.

Noah knocks over some stuff which leads them to discover a hidden room. In the back of the room is an old mirror. Let me pause here to reiterate: the acting is BAD.

Max turns on the light that is attached to the mirror and-where is he? Noah and Erin frantically swivel their heads but do not make an effort to move, and we discover that Max is invisible. Max re-appears after the light is turned back off. The kids make a pact not to tell their parents. Okay, so, they've just discovered a mirror that turns you invisible, and they really don't seem to...care? Like they're kind of like "Oh. An invisible mirror. That's cool."

In case we didn't get Noah saying it the first three times, "Left handers rule!"

As they are leaving, Max notices a piece of rope/chain on the floor. He seems much more bothered by this than the fact that he now has the ability to turn himself invisible, but whatever.

Max is sneaking around at night. We know this can lead to no good. He goes upstairs (now, I've lived in 10+ houses in 3 different states, and not once has the pull-down stairs leading to our attic had its own "attic stairs" room). Noah has beaten him to it, and they go invisible together and have fun playing with sheets and writing on chairs. Again, not what I would do, but hey.

The next day, Max's Token Black Friend Zach is there. Now, I only say TBF because he's the one to go all evil later in the episode. Anyways, Zach has his ear pierced, and you know this was made in the 90s because that was totally radical and Max's mother was shocked. Judging by the mothers clothes, she is obviously smoking something.

Zach has an attitude, but I attribute to him knowing what's up. He's simply not impressed by his co-stars. I'm not either.

Erin shows up and the group goes upstairs to show Zach the mirror. But! Max doesn't reppear. Noah realizes the seriousness of the situation and exclaims "I am in so much trouble!" Right. Oh, hey Max. Hee's cold. And he's on the floor in the fetal position. And he has been seeing funny colors. All is normal on the Goosebumps front.

These kids have got to be mentally deficient because they've "jumped" like three times? And none of them have connected the fact that they don't feel well and it takes longer each time to show back up to = bad mirror?

I guess Max has been taking his vitamins and realizes that the mirror is dangerous. He makes them promise not to use it anymore. But Noah has his LEFT fingers crossed! Uh oh.

Noah is a badass, because the next morning he's used the mirror and is fucking with his family. THIS is what a normal kid would do, not float into the air and put a sheet over himself...

Max chases Noah down and Noah reappears but he is SO not Noah. He is creepy. Max doesn't realize this.

Max gets back from baseball practice and Zach and Erin are upstairs and Zach has used the mirror. Zach is back and creepy. They realize this. He realizes this with his friend, but not his brother? Oh.

Anyway, Zach pushes Max onto the floor in front of the mirror and turns on the light. This is why he is termed TBF. If you read any of RL Stine's early books, it was always the minority friend who turned South.

More examples of cutting edge Goosebumps technology. Let me laugh with you all. Bright blue room, kid flying through air, objects flying at him. Oh, it's Max's mirror image. A close-up on Max reveals that the poor kid was battling some pretty bad acne. That's why I could never be a kid/teen actor. All your horrible, awkward moments are forever on tape. Or Youtube.

Anyway, Max's mirror image is evil. He tells Max that he will not be leaving the mirror world any time soon. But! Erin pulls the chain and Max re-appears. As Max and Zach scuffle, he tells Erin to throw a ball at the mirror. She pathetically throws it, and then the next scene has the blue flying at the mirror, and is clearly not being thrown at the same angle. lol.

Real!Zach is back. After they leave the room, the mirror fixes itself.

Max and Noah are doing the dishes together. Max still hasn't noticed that his brother is creepy and weird. Not until Noah tosses his father a cup with his right hand. And we realize just why "Left handers rule!" is written in this episode five or six times.

And, for your viewing pleasure, an example of the cutting edge technology witnessed in this episode:

S2E5: The Headless Ghost

We begin our little story with a shot of a house that looks too much like Hogwarts. And then I remembered that this was done five years before the first Harry Potter movie came out. What is the point of this ramble? I ramble when I sleep.

Anyways. Next we have a kid who is looking for a ghost. He calls-quite menacingly!-"If you're here, show yourself!" His mom (or someone) shows up. As he explains what the hell he's doing up at this time of night, she basically looks really annoyed. I'm very annoyed. His way of speaking is very strange, and I don't know if the actor blows or if the actor thinks that kids in the 1800s spoke like broken robots.

Mom walks away. He jumps at the sounds of his-what else-black cat. We all know this is leading no where God. I'm right. We see silhouette of something reaching for the kid. The something looks like a Goblin, except nothing is mentioned about Goblins in the story.

Cut to present-day and some old guy (desperately needing a shave. Ick.) is giving a tour of not!Hogwarts. A hand flies out from under the table and grabs a little girl's leg. Unshaven Man throws girl (Sam) and boy (Dwayne) out of house, demanding that they show not!Hogwarts some respect. Oh.
Sam and Dwayne converse. Basically, Sam is a bitch and Dwayne is a pussy. That's what their five-minute conversation boils down to.

Oh. A ghost in the background.

Sam and Dwayne return the next day to the house tour. They sneak away from the group, trying to find the kid's lost head. I think this is very thoughtful of them. However, and maybe I'm just being silly, but over a hundred years and apparently hundreds of people have passed through this house. They don't think a skull would have ever been discovered? Given, stranger things have happened (I'm looking at you, 2004 Election), but okay.

They hear someone coming and screech "Get in the closet!" So much to say about that one little line, and not enough blog space.

They're discovered by UnShaved Man. Kicked out and banned this time. For real! He's serious! He means it!

Outside, they are met by a kid who introduces himself as Seth. It's the maybe!ghost from earlier. Sam, being the idiot, is all ready to follow this strange kid who neither of them have known for more than a minute. Dwayne is more hesitant. By following mommy's orders and not wanting to follow strangers who appear in the night into a strange, dark house, Dwayne is mocked and so originally called "D-D-Dwayne". Not nice.

Seth takes the pair through bedrooms in not!Hogwarts that are not seen on the tour. He tells them of a story of a boy who liked strawberry ice cream who got owned by a dumbwaiter shaft. During the story, the kid's face is never shown. I just cannot put two to two together.

Halfway through and I'm wondering, where the hell are these kids parents?

After the ice cream story, Seth locks the door to the room they in. So much for trusting the stranger who appeared in the middle of the night. Sam and Dwayne look around nervously. This episode should be shown to all little kiddies in elementary school.

Seth says he's not Seth. That he's Andrew. He and Dwayne start arguing about who should get Dwayne's head. Dwayne thinks he should keep his. I'm thinking he has a strong argument, but SethOrAndrew thinks otherwise. Dwayne says his head isn't too special, anyways and continues to insult himself. Maybe it shouldn't be shown to the little kiddies.

They open the door to the dumbwaitor and see a boy's head just kind of chilling. Andrew maybe deserves to be headless, because he is a bit of an ass.

One little interjection. I know no one expects Goosebumps to be cutting-edge as far as technology and special effects goes, but damn. I could do better than this in Paint Shop Pro. In fact, I'm fairly certain that this was done in PSP. Version 2. Or something.

Suddenly Andrew's body appears, but Seth is still standing there. I'm not quite sure if a child shuffling toward his decapitated head should be funny, but...well, it is. I may be going to hell, but I'll be laughing on my way.

We see Andrew-now holding head-walk past Sam, Dwayne, and Seth. I had to capture this because Andrew next to Dwayne looks SO DISPROPORTIONATE that it was completely distracting.

Unshaven Man returns. He tells the kids that Seth is an employee of his. Asks Dwayne to leave so that they could be alone with Sam. Dwayne obliges. Now, I might be being silly, but why does he leave his female, young friend with a strange man, alone? It's not like the two trust him, or find him particularly nice, and it's not like they just didn't see a kid walk off with his head.

Unshaven Men and Seth are ghosts. Surprise! Seth was the ice cream boy. Totally called that. Unshaven Man is painting Sam and as he paints, she disappears. Dwayne realizes that something is up (Sam doesn't give him the credit he deserves, really) and goes back to the room. Sees just half his friend's head floating there and throws a convinantly placed bucket of liquid at the painting and Sam reappars and UnShaven Man and Seth disappear.

As they are running from the house, there's some kind of random spotlight on not!Hogwarts. I can't tell if the editors really sucked that badly, or it was done purposely, or what. Whatever the case, it failed. Epically.

At the end, Unshaven Man convinces a couple of buy the house.

Dundundun!

S1E3: Cuckoo Clock of Doom

The episode opens with Michael, listening to what I am assuming is a walk man. Isn't that what they used in 1995? Anyway, Michael stops when he notices something I think is wanted to resemble fake blood. Really, it looks like chocolate sauce and how Michael assumes it is fake blood is beyond me.

Michael notices something shaking in the bushes. Something! jumps out at him. It's just his seven-year-old sister, Tara. What follows is quite possibly one of the fakest screams in TV history, but I digress. The actress playing Tara is adorable, but the character Tara is really a raging bitch in a seven-year-old's body.

Michael goes on to cry and whine about how Tara gets away with everything and gives his birthday as an example of her raging bitchiness. I'd be pretty pissed off if my sister tripped me and I fell onto a cake, too, but I'd be over it within a couple of...minutes. Not 3 days.

Their father brings home an ugly cuckoo clock. Speaking of ugly, the mom's glasses are HUGE. I'm talking 70s grandmother huge. Michael is five and can't not touch the obviously antique cuckoo clock so Dad shits a brick and says for no one to touch it.

That night, Michael overhears Dad telling Tara not to touch it again, and if anything breaks on it, he'll blame her. Michael gives an obnoxious "YES!" Methinks he is up to something, but I'm not quite sure. At midnight, Michael gets up and goes to the clock. When it pops open on the hour, he grabs breaks the neck. Honestly, it's actually kind of creepy.

When Michael wakes up the next morning-SURPRISE! It's his birthday. Again. He is baffled. He knows one thing though! Tara won't ruin THIS birthday! Shocker #1: she does.

Michael tries telling his parents that he is stuck in a time warp. They ask if he's sick. He sighs exasperatedly, like his parents are stupid because they don't believe that they are stuck in a time warp. He has a ridiculous dream that I still laugh about.

He wakes up the next morning as a six-year-old. He runs into the living room and you hear twelve-year-old Michael voice-over "It's not here!" Then six-year-old Michael feels the need to repeat this sentiment out loud. Idk.

At his sixth birthday party, Michael says "Fuck this" and leaves his guests, leaving to go downtown to find that darn antique store. Some random creepy guy asks Michael for the time and the camera keeps cutting to him in a way that you would think, "Hey this guy must be significant!" but after Michael's dad shows up, it turns out that it was nothing more than a "Hey this guy must be a pedophile!" type deal.

Dad takes Michael back home. Wash, rinse, repeat scene where Michael is trying to tell them he's stuck in a time warp at the end of his 12th birthday party.

Michael wakes up again. He's a toddler. His father mentions the antique store and he shows his agreement by shaking the crib and laughing.

At the antique store, the owner takes Mom and Dad to look at something. They leave their toddler son chilling in the front of the store in his stroller, completely out of sight.

Michael slips out of the stroller and toddles to the clock. He climbs onto some things that are stacked next to it and in the process, kicks something that hits the year 1988 off the clock. This is significant, as the camera pans onto it. He un-breaks the birdie's neck.

Michael is suddenly twelve again but-SURPRISE-no Tara. He claims he will go back in time and bring her back. I don't actually believe this, and I don't think we're suppose to, given the smarmy grin on the kid.